I woke up this morning
I woke up this morning and smelled the chaos in my head. It’s been like that since almost 4 weeks ago. I could feel the atoms in my body spinning. I feel so alone. Alone in the cosmos. I feel like I’m hurtling over the cliff, but there’s no one there to catch me.
When people say “you’re not alone”, it feels like a poor semantic sleight-of-hand trick. Make no mistake. I am alone. I feel alone. There are moments when life leaves us totally alone. A person can be lonely even if she is loved by many people, because she feels she is not the “ONE and Only” to anyone.
But even so, I want it to be true. I NEED it to be true. If it’s not, then I am truly alone and beyond consolation.
I cry a new kind of tears since almost a month ago. Tears of profound awareness of loss. Tears of profound sadness. Something has been telegraphing to my brains such dark level of depression and melancholy. I’m acquainting with a world which has been invisible to me before. I am 115 pounds of dust, anger, hurt and tears. Wrecked by storm. It hurts so much that I feel like my chest will cave in and the only thing stopping it are the gasps of air I take in between the tears.
You try to hang on and swing between agony and pain, until your grip fails. Is all the joy worth the sorrow and suffering? This anguish is absolute. It feels like pain prowls inside me like a panther. It unleashes a torrent of venomous fury. The pain is so utter, it swallows substance up.
I am in the house of mourning. I hope I don’t have any denial-driven psychosis.
Love had made me brave. The love of my family made me brave to face the world and venture into the unknown. When I found my true love, I felt invincible – that there’s nothing in this world I couldn’t (or wouldn’t) do for her. I’d do anything for her. I gave her everything I had because I wasn’t afraid to lose anything.
But now, facing the night is difficult. What do I do when the night comes? The sky is black and huge. The night so still. Moonless. Overcast. It feels like that every day and every night.
It feels like life has ended but I did not die. I wake up to her everywhere, yet she is not here. The hurt has built a house in my throat and lives there. Content and on fire. These are not tears. This is the sea. The sea I am making with my tears.
I have never been afraid of love. But it feels like Love is afraid of me. I am hurt. Hurt the size of everything it is.
I will never leave you. You are Mine. I am Yours. I am with you even to the end.
I have nothing to offer other than the undying love of my broken heart. It’s not much, but it’s all I have.