Daily Archives: 2015/04/06
I finally understood the driving force behind suicide.
We all know why people commit suicide – it’s mostly depression. They feel that the pain is bigger than life itself. The shame, the guilt, the sadness, the heartbreak, the pain – all too much to bear. These things other people go through as well, but not everyone kill themselves. Some people do. I finally understood why.
It’s not fun being depressed. If I could work magic and make it disappear, I would. The loneliness is unbearable. The pain feels immense. The sadness is profound. If you have people around you who care enough to talk to you, it’d help, possibly. But in the end, you’re all by yourself dealing with the pain when you go to sleep at night, or when they’re not around.
People who have suicidal tendencies should never be left alone. But the problem is, we actually drive people away. Not many people are willing to hang around us. Not many people understand our pain and depression. And more importantly, people often don’t think we’re capable of taking our own lives.
I’d like to make it clear that my attempt was not because of her. It was the heartbreak itself. The pain was so great that I just wanted it to end. I couldn’t think of a better way to make the pain go away. Every day and every night was difficult. The heartbreak consumed all of me. It was absolute. It felt endless and bottomless. I couldn’t see any possibility of respite.
But some of us survived. Not our time yet. Second chance at life. You would think that being given another chance at life, we’d be grateful and try harder to get better.
You be wrong.
Some of us have been thinking about doing it again.
As I’m having all these evil thoughts, I know that what I’m thinking is totally wrong. Especially as a Muslim, suicide is like one of the worst sins ever.
I don’t like the new me. The heartbreak has changed me into a new person I don’t like. I know the science behind what’s going on in my head and in my heart. All the money spent on education wasn’t totally wasted on me. But at the same time, going through it is … heartbreaking.
I just need to pray harder.