This is my unexciting story
This is my story. It’s not very exciting, but it’s something about me.
Yes, I am a lesbian. But I am more than just my sexual orientation. To me, my sexuality is just a part of me just like the colour of my skin or the size of my feet. It’s just one thing that makes the entire me. And it’s an integral part of me too, because without it, I wouldn’t be who I am or what I am. I’d be a completely different person with different perception and life experiences.
I’ve known I was different since I was 7 or 8. I didn’t know exactly what it was, but I knew I was always attracted to women. My first celebrity crush was actually Morgan Fairchild. And then, by 13, I was told those feelings I’d been having for women were unnatural and forbidden; punishable by death.
I was shocked and confused. It wasn’t so much “confused” as in “confused”, but more like “baffled”. How is possible to have those feelings come to me very naturally, not driven by anything, and be condemned for having them? What was wrong me? Is it some kind of sickness I was having?
I grew up as a lonely child. Sure, I have so many siblings and friendly neighbours. There was never a dull moment. But inside, I felt alone. I had a lot of anger. I remember being angry a lot. I always felt like running away from home. I was being punished for something I didn’t deliberately do; something I didn’t choose to be. I came from a very normal and loving family. So, what could possibly have gone wrong? I was angry at everyone, including God.
Eventually, after a few years, I made peace with God. I made peace with God after I made peace with myself. I learned to accept myself completely. The logic side of me assured me that I would have never become the person I was if it wasn’t for my sexuality. And that, somehow, was very reassuring. I looked deep in me to look for comfort. And I found enough to keep me afloat in this ocean of life.
After I made peace with God and myself, I never really gave my sexuality a lot of thought. I went through secondary school OK – I wasn’t attracted to anyone. I had crushes on female teachers, naturally, but managed to stay out of trouble. So, there were never emotional issues back then.
But come college, I fell in love. It was the first time that I experienced the need to be able to express myself truly; to be completely true to myself and to others. The need to be understood and known as a lesbian in a relationship was very strong. But I managed to quell it. It helped that I was “the affair”. The relationship was closeted for two reasons.
Almost 2 years after that ended, I fell in love again. This time, a real, true and loving relationship; one which I’d given my all. I wanted to tell the world I love her. I wanted to marry her. I felt the need for the relationship to be out and known was very strong. But our circumstances didn’t allow for it. It was heartbreaking. I was grieving on the inside, even when my heart was elated that she was in my life. It was hard. No one understood it. No one wanted to understand it.
This most recent heartbreak has been painful. Some days are bearable, while some are drowning. Never underestimate the loneliness. The pain changed me. Not just on-the-surface type of change, but it changed me at the core. No one could see how it changed me, but I know myself and I can say unquestionably that it has. Not a lot, but enough for me to notice.
I’m tired. I’m tired of not being able to be true to myself. We’d think after being on this planet for so long, living in this day and age, it’d be so much easier to be true to ourselves. I’m disturbed by how easily my tongue has become accustomed to lying in order to hide an important part of myself.
I am in the process of coming out to more and more people. I’m losing and making friends along the way. I want people to know an integral part of me if the situation calls for it. I’m not going to put “I’m a Lesbian” on neon above my head, of course, but no more lying just to comfort someone’s ignorance. Honesty has always driven me. There’s no reason to hold it back anymore.
I fell in love and had my heart broken. I truly believe that despite all the surfacey reasons, at the core, the relationships failed because we were closeted. Perpetually living in a state of anxiety and fear is an awfully heavy burden to carry and a diminished way of experiencing the world, even for two people in love. Over time, it eats away at your happiness and joy, no matter how much in love you think you are. Think about it: do you know of any happy and OLD gay/lesbian couples who have been in a long-term relationship who are closeted? None. Of course, being out doesn’t mean you’d have a great, long-term relationship, but no long-term relationship could survive being in a closet. We must learn this lesson for our relationships to work. I will not ignore life lessons anymore. I don’t want to be hit with boulders or sledgehammers again.
Wise words from Rachel Maddow:
“I think the responsibility that we have as gay Americans to the extent that we can — and we ought to be really ambitious about the extent to which we can — we have to be out. That’s the thing that we owe the people who came before us who are the pioneers, and that’s the thing we owe the next generation of gay people in terms of clearing the way and making life easier for them. I think that there is a moral imperative to be out, and I think that if you’re not out, you have to come to an ethical understanding with yourself why you are not.” – Rachel Maddow
I want to play that role – making life easier for the next generation of gay people. Down the road, I do see myself actively participating in LGBT events, gatherings and parades. I want to be a positive role model for younger LGBT generation. All they see in mass media are all negative images of LGBT – in clubs, raves, orgies, drinking, doing drugs, changing partners like changing socks, pornography, and all those. They should able to see someone in hijab, understanding their struggle at a deeper level. There is someone like them – a lesbian believing in God, and leading a “normal” life, all at the same time. We need to show them that we can contribute positively to our community and society at large while being true to ourselves. We don’t need to isolate ourselves.
God is Most Merciful and Beneficent. There must be a place in the world for people like you and me. God made Adam and Eve. And He also made you and me. People like us are not going to go away. We should have never been made to feel the need to hide, at the expense of our own happiness, sanity and well-being. It must end. We must be the change we want to see in the world.